Little Red Riding Hood: The Way It Really Happened
by dragonfairy330
Summary: Second of my fairy tale parodies. Red Riding Hood in a very new light. Isn't particularly different till the end, so stick with it. Inspired by Roald Dahl's Revolting Rhymes. Enjoy. R and R please.


One beautiful summer's day, a sweet little girl called Red Riding Hood set out to bring some treats to her granny who was sick in bed. The girl was called Red Riding Hood because every day, she wore the same crimson colored cloak that her grandmother had made her to keep her safe. She went to the baker's and picked up all sorts of delightful cakes and breads. She went to the vintner's and bought a bottle of medicinal wine. She even wrote a get-well card with her mother. (The girl's father was long since gone to who knows where. But, well, what would you expect from a sailor?)

So, Red set out on this fine morning into the woods to her grandmother's house. No one could understand why a dear old woman like Red' granny still lived in the middle of the forest. But granny wanted to stay in the cabin her husband had built her until she died, even if it did make villagers give her backward glances and snide remarks. Red gave her mother a kiss and with a basket of treats wrapped in a gingham napkin, off she went to visit granny. Before she left, her mother wondered if she should warn her daughter of the dangers of the forest, but Red had been there plenty of times, so there was nothing to worry about.

Meanwhile, a particularly clever wolf was lurking in the forest, hungry for his next meal. He was sick of deer. Deer, rabbits, sometimes he was reduced to catching field mice. Mr. Wolf (as this alpha was called) wanted something substantial, something he could play with before he ate it…he was hungry for human flesh. But hungry has many meanings. He was hungry with lust as well. Ravenous for girlflesh.

Ms. Riding Hood gleefully skipped down the path, humming a happy tune. She looked at all the trees and listened to the forest's own quiet music without a care in her heart. As long as she stayed on the path, nothing could go wrong on this gorgeous day! Suddenly, a tree root crept up from nowhere and tripped her. Unfortunately, it pitched her forward onto a sharp rock, injuring her knee. The wolf watched, saliva dripping from his canines, anticipatory. His time to pounce had almost come. He could taste her already…crispy bones with delectable, fatty marrow…he would save the head for last…her cloak would be a problem, but his teeth could get through it easily. He could hardly contain himself, but knew he must if he were to get everything he wanted out of this meal.

The girl began to cry over her wound as the crafty wolf emerged from the bushes. He came over to lick her hurt knee and get the blood off. He had an ulterior motive of course, but how was she to know that? "What happened to your knee dear child?" the wolf asked in perfect English "I tripped and fell," said Red between sobs as he lapped up her delicious blood, "Thank you. You don't have to do that." "Oh, it's no trouble," said he, a crooked grin painting his face. "Where are you off to with that basket of goodies?" The girl frowned, but decided she nothing to fear and told him she was heading to her grandmother's house, which happened to be under the three large oak trees farther down the path. The wolf, who knew the forest's every inch, was very pleased to hear it, and after wishing her well, set off to that very place.

The wolf promptly arrived there using some lupine shortcut he knew and gobbled up granny, putting on her clothes to disguise himself as her. When the girl inevitably arrived at the door, he pretended to be her grandmother. But in this at least, Red was not fooled. She played along, but she could see the bloodstains on his chin and knew that although the clothes may make the man, a wolf in a dress is still not an old woman. "Grandmother," she said, "what big eyes you have!" "All the better to hear you with my dear." They went on in this fashion for a while until the wolf said "All the better to eat you with my dear!" and attempted to devour the pretty young thing, but found a pistol pointed at his head. The little girl proceeded to blow his brains out, ever so daintily.

Little Red Riding Hood went on to an illustrious, life long career in wolf poaching to get revenge for the death of her dear grandmother. She did it legally and illegally, all over the country, sometimes with help from notorious bandits like Goldilocks and Why, she even killed the Three Little Pigs' wolf…too bad for them that she happened to have a taste for pork as well, but that's another story.

Moral: If you are going to be in the woods alone, always be prepared. P.S. A cloak is a very good tool for concealing weapons!


End file.
